How to Make a Graceful Exit After Sex
A one night stand is a beautiful thing. A mutually (hopefully) beneficial exchange, with no strings attached, you won’t find a better stress reliever, and we all know that helps you live longer. (Individuals seeking to replace their prescription heart medication with a script for weekly meetups for sex would be wise to consult with their physicians beforehand. They’ll probably say no, but hey, it’s worth a shot.)
Unfortunately, for all the virtues of passing flings, there’s always that awkward morning after. How do you slink out afterward without embarrassment or hurt feelings? Keep reading for some tips, and you both are sure to end things on a positive note.
First off: preparations before the event
Think up a good excuse for bailing afterward, and think it up before you even go out for the night. You will find great tips on LookingForWomen.ca. This will keep you from fumbling around and contradicting yourself when the time comes. You don’t need to think up some elaborate story – a simple afternoon appointment, early flight, or family thing tomorrow will do. Bring it up before you leave the place with her, so it’s not out of nowhere: « God, I shouldn’t be doing this; I’ve got that early meeting tomorrow, » you say while you’re toying with her necklace. Don’t think that she’ll be fooled by it – she’s probably got a fake excuse up her own sleeves – but it’s a simple social nicety, like holding open doors, or apologizing for getting your cum in her hair.
For extra security measures, tell a sympathetic friend about your plans for the night, and have them on call. If you need an emergency out, grab your phone and text them an innocuous, pre-agreed-upon phrase. That’s their cue to blow up your phone with texts and calls, and your cue to bow out with apologies and go deal with your friend’s sudden urgent medical issue. Once again – she probably won’t be fooled (and has likely pulled this one a few times in her day) but it will help end your encounter on a less awkward note.
Try your hardest to head to her place instead of yours, since it’s much easier to leave a place than to convince a guest who’s overstayed her welcome to be on her way. Plus, it decreases the chances of her showing up unexpectedly a week later. If her place isn’t an option (uncooperative roommates, a mess, or what have you), there’s always the option of a hotel. That way, you both can be dressed and on your separate ways without intruding on each other’s personal space – any more than two people who’ve just screwed can avoid it, anyway.
After the encounter
Once you’ve both cooled down, you start feeling the awkwardness already. Don’t bother trying to give her a girlfriend experience – she wanted a one night stand just as much as you did, and went into it knowing full well what would happen. (Unless you led her on with false promises of emotional commitment, in which case, you may want to reflect on whether you’re emotionally mature enough to be having sexual relationships with other human beings.) Don’t try to spoon her while whispering sweet nothings and promises to call her backinto her ear. You’re some stranger that she went home with because she wanted to get laid, and vise-versa – you’re only going to annoy her, or worse, creep her out.
Want to leave straight away?
Now, you might be itching to go already. Unless she’s giving off signs that she wants you out, you don’t have to be in a huge rush to leave. She probably won’t mind you staying the night, especially if you’re both still intoxicated from a tour of Windsor’s club district, and in no shape to be finding your way home in a strange neighborhood. If you’d much prefer to spend the night alone in your bed, be safe and considerate – call a cab for her or yourself.
If she’s at your place, don’t be in such a rush to kick her out, but don’t wait so long that she falls asleep on you. About 15 minutes after the fireworks, just say, « Hey, what’s your address? I’ll call a cab for you. » Get out of bed, and walk her down when it’s arrived to pick her up. Split the cab fee with her if you have cash on you. There’s no reason not to be a consummate gentleman to someone who’s just showed you a great time.
If you’re at her place, here’s where you bring up that early meeting or flight. (This can also work for the above, if she’s at your place and needs a gentle reminder.) Wait out those 15 minutes of afterglow, then get out of bed and get dressed. Tell her what a great time you had, tip your hat, and be or your way. The longer you shuffle around the issue, the more awkward it is, and the more obvious that you’re just trying to bail on her.
Want to stay the night?
This isn’t such a bad idea, especially if you’ve had a lot to drink. The morning after holds its own unique awkwardness, though. Gone is the adrenaline-fueled rush of the night before, replaced by hangovers, morning breath, and general morning crappiness.
If you don’t remember her name, don’t bother asking at this point. You’ll look like a huge douche, no matter how drunk you were. And even if you were drunk enough to not remember anything about the night before, don’t ask her how you were. Chances are, if you were drunk enough to have a complete memory blackout, your body wasn’t at its peak performance either. Having a sense of humor about the whole situation will diffuse a lot of the potential embarrassment.
Just like you’re not always greeting the sun with minty freshness and perky excitement, don’t expect anything else of her. She’ll reek of stale tequila too, and be just as grumpy as anyone. Don’t try having a conversation with her and expect it to be as engaging as it was last night.
Ideally, you want to leave as soon as possible once you’re up. The longer you stay, the longer the ordeal stretches. Don’t offer to make her breakfast or take her on a breakfast date unless you’re interested in spending more time with her. If you want to make her into a casual sex buddy, or potentially start a relationship with her, go for it. (Same goes for inviting her into the shower with you.) If you’d just like to be on your separate ways, just get dressed and head out after bidding your farewells – you don’t need to wait for her to get out of bed, but at least wake her up to let you know you’re heading out. If she’s at your place, pull out the cab line again. « I had a lot of fun last night. What’s your address? I’ll call you a cab. » It’s all the same song and dance; be sure to see her on her way if she’s away from home. Not only will you be practicing those good manners, you’ll leave her with a favorable impression of you, and of one night stands in general – and this in turn brings more one night stands into the world. And aren’t you honored to be part of that?